Respect
When interacting with others, to be effective, we want to keep the relationship in mind and do what we can to take care of it so it will continue and flourish, but never at the cost of our own values, self-respect, or needs. In any interpersonal situation, be mindful of these things to be sure that you not only feel good about your relationships at the end of a social interaction, but also continue to build mastery in interpersonal effectiveness and feel good about yourself.
| F – (BE) FAIR | Be fair, not just to the other person, but also be fair to YOURSELF! |
| Don’t put the other person’s needs or desires above your own, or keep your needs or desires to yourself. Be assertive, not aggressive or passive aggressive, and speak your truth, but also listen to the other person and be open to a discussion or a compromise.Don’t expect the other person to always accommodate your preferences, and don’t accept never having yours considered or honored. | |
| A – (NO) APOLOGIES | No unjustified apologies. Do not be overly apologetic, apologize for making a request, for breathing, taking up space, being alive. Don’t apologize for having your own opinion or for disagreeing with others. |
| Many people, with and without BPD, struggle with over-apologizing, something that can serve to perpetuate low self-esteem and feelings of frustration, resentment, self-loathing, or self-betrayal. This is the opposite of self-respect! If you find yourself apologizing several times a day, start asking yourself, “What am I apologizing for?” “Did I do or say something that legitimately warrants an apology, or am I over-apologizing?”Often, people apologize to avoid conflict or because they have difficulty tolerating someone being angry with them, so they apologize to smooth things over or keep the peace. Here is an important point to keep in mind: if you apologize for every little thing, you may appear insincere when it comes to a situation where an apology is actually warranted.Building mindfulness around over-apologizing can help you to break the habit and raise your self-respect. | |
| S – STICK TO VALUES | Don’t compromise or abandon your OWN VALUES to try to please others or conform. |
| Don’t do anything that goes against what you know to be right for YOU. For example, if the rest of your friends want to go to a bar and stay out until 2 am, and you know that in your early sobriety you have difficulty being around alcohol, and you need to be at work at 9 am the next day, then clearly this situation is not right for you personally. Speak up and make other suggestions or make alternate plans.Don’t abandon your friends, religion, or hobbies for your new boyfriend or girlfriend. Make time to do the things that are important to you, and both you and your new relationship will be healthier for it. If another person expects you to compromise things that are important to you, then the relationship may not be the best fit for you anyway. | |
| T – (BE) TRUTHFUL | Truthful Don’t lie, exaggerate, or stretch the truth. Don’t make excuses. Don’t act HELPLESS or take advantage of others when you are capable of helping yourself! |
| Whether telling a little white lie or a blatant tale, people can be untruthful for many reasons. Often, they are trying to avoid confrontation, conflict, or getting into trouble. Perhaps they are trying not to hurt another person’s feelings. And sometimes, people lie in an effort to try to manipulate or control a situation.Making it a habit of telling lies has a way of eventually tripping us up when one forgets what they have said and to whom they have said it. Play it safe and create a situation for yourself in which you never have to worry about what you have or have not said, thereby keeping anxiety, guilt, and shame away.Remember, telling only partial truths or omitting facts are also ways of being untruthful and can be harmful to relationships! |
This is the Decider Skills video for the Respect
Here are some worksheets you can use in learning to get along with others:
