Crystal Clear
Concise – Lucid & Logical – Emotion-free expression – Assertive – Realistic: these are some words that important to keep in mind when communicating with others.
In order to ask for something out of the relationship with somebody, first you have to know what it is exactly that you want. This may not always be clear at first, so one of the best way to guide yourself through figuring this out is to observe how you feel. To you feel like you are leaning towards something more than towards something else? Do you feel like something is missing? Try to be observant of that.
Think of a relationship that is important to you and try to tune in your Wise Mind and ask yourself what you need from it. Do you feel like you need support, or perhaps like you want to give your support and love? Do you feel like you want to spend more time together with the person? Do you need to set a more clear boundary about a plan you made, or to say no to a request? It can be something else completely. Think about it.
In the worksheet write down what your priorities are. It is okay if you thought of more than one. After each of them, rate their importance to you on a scale of 1-5.
Example
Relationship: the one I have with my daughter.
Priorities:
I want her to be more obedient and to listen to what I say
I want to know more about what’s happening in her life
I want her to know that I am trying hard to be the best mom I can be
After you’ve figured out what your priorities are, the next step is to ask for what you want. The optimal way is to try to describe the situation without judging or putting blame on the other person. Simply state the state of the situation as objectively as you can, and say how you feel about it. Then, assertively ask for what you need.
Think about an important relationship of yours (it can be the same one from the previous step). Is there something that you would like more or less of? Is there something else that you need present in the relationship? Remember that besides asking for what you want, the other important aspect is not to damage the relationship. Imagine how you would phrase the request and write it down in the worksheet.
Example
Asking for what I want:I would tell my daughter: “You are a young girl who still needs some guidance. I understand that you need your space and that you need to spend time with your friends, but I also feel that it is my responsibility to protect you. So, what I am asking is for you to listen to my advice more and trust me that I want only the best for you.”
Negotiation
It is very important to let the other person know that you are not forgetting about their needs. This is not about winning a contest, and it’s not a competition. It’s simply a compromise that serves to elevate the quality of the relationship. The needs of both parties are valid (unless they break some of the basic interpersonal rights).
The point of this skill is to set an atmosphere of mutual trust and respect.
Think about the relationship you’ve been working on. How would you let the other person know that you are willing to cooperate and make a compromise so that both of your needs are met? What would you say ?
Example
Negotiation:I want to let you know that I am willing to hear you out and understand what you have to say about this situation. I want you to to be pleased with the solution we are going to come up with.
Here is the Decider skills video on Crystal Clear:
Here are some worksheets you can use:
