Balance
The following skills will help you
- Take care of your relationships
- Balance your needs with others’ demands
- Balance your “wants” with your “shoulds”
- Build mastery and self-respect
Everyone has these skills to a certain extent. We are all at least somewhat able to ask for something or say no. For example, you might be able to say no to more water at a restaurant but not to a friend asking for a favor. Maybe you have these skills but aren’t sure when to use them. In order to sort out which skills to use and when to use them, you need to know what your goals are in a situation.
There are three types of goals:
Objective Effectiveness: obtain something you want
Relationship Effectiveness: maintain or improve a relationship
Self-Respect Effectiveness: maintain your self-respect
Here are some ways you can KNOW WHAT YOU WANT:
The acronym DEAR MAN stands for:
- Describe the current situation
- Express your feelings
- Assert yourself
- Reinforce
- stay Mindful
- Appear confident
- Negotiate
DESCRIBE
Describe the situation aloud to the person you’re asking. State only facts. That means no judgments about the situation, who caused it, and whether it’s good or bad.
EXPRESS
Express how you are feeling about the situation. Avoid blame by using “I” statements. It’s easy to assume that the other person knows how you feel but that’s usually not the case. This is your opportunity to tell them openly and honestly how you feel.
ASSERT
Assert yourself by asking for what you want or need. Be clear and direct so there’s no room for misinterpretation. Your DEAR MAN also might be saying no to a request, and this is your place to do so. Don’t assume the other person can read your mind.
REINFORCE
Reinforce that there will be a positive outcome of your request or a negative outcome if you’re saying no. Be sure to deliver the reward after the fact if there is one. This is important because it helps people respond more positively to your request or rejection.
STAY MINDFUL
Be Mindful of your goal. Don’t let yourself get distracted or swayed by the conversation. Be a broken record if you feel the person isn’t listening to you. Repeat yourself calmly and evenly. If the other person becomes hostile, ignore their attacks. Focus on making your point without letting the other person draw you off track.
APPEAR CONFIDENT
Appear confident, effective, and in charge. Use a confident tone and sure body language. That means no whispering, staring at the floor, or wringing your hands. Stand tall, make eye contact, and speak your truth without qualifications like ‘maybe’ or ‘I’m not sure.’
NEGOTIATE
Be confident but also be flexible. Be willing to give in order to get. Offer alternative solutions in order to get closer to what you want. Reduce your request if necessary. Focus on your goal but be practical about what will work. Turn the tables and ask the other person for solutions to the problem.
By having boundaries and being able to do these things, even just one bit at a time, will help with our self-care.
Here is the Decider Skills video for Balance:
Here are some worksheets that will help you counter balance using skills when you feel out of balance:
