Anger is an emotion we need to listen to if we are to better care for ourselves and our loved ones. 

Anger is usually indicative of getting close to reaching, or having reached one’s capacity, so action is needed to regain balance.  Too many people grew up with the message that anger is bad, hence you are bad when you’re angry, yet we need to learn to view it as an indicator of levels of stress and the extent that needs are being met or not met.  The world is not divided into the angry and the not angry people.

Anger and frustration are normal human emotion which most people feel, to one degree or another, most days.  People are at different stages in their ability to deal with their anger, but most people experience it most days at least in the form of irritation and frustration, if not a stronger force of anger that they struggle to contain.

It can really help to gain more understanding of your anger, as well as developing your ability to respond and act more constructively when anger arises.  As well as organising your life in a way that’s more supportive and less conducive to excess stress, it’s helpful to tune in to the underlying unmet needs, which tend to lead to you feeling frazzled or angry.  Creating times for self-reflection is very important if we are to continually grow our awareness of our emotions, thought patterns and patterns of how we relate to both our self and to others.  The more you increase your awareness of what provokes your anger, the deeper feelings or patterns that are being triggered, the more equipped you are to respond more constructively to yourself at these difficult times.  Hence the more likely you’ll be able to choose a more conscious and kind response to your child at these difficult times.

Anger is a difficult emotion for most people to deal with because;

• it’s very strong and hence stressful
• it’s the emotion that elicits the least empathy and support from other people and
• it can feel scary, people often fear their anger getting out of control, they fear to do or say things that hurt others or those they care about the most
• it’s very challenging for most people to maintain positive self-esteem when they feel anger.
• anger brings with it the desire to lash out and say or do things that may hurt other people or that we may later regret and feel ashamed of.
• Who hasn’t been badly hurt by others who have lashed out when they’ve been angry, leaving us fearing that we’re being “that” angry person when our anger swells up.

The potential to be destructive increases with the intensity of anger.  Anger, like any other strong force, like driving a vehicle, requires a lot of skill and focus if we are to harness that energy positively and avoid being destructive.   The purpose of this article is to help you gain a better understanding of why you become angry, and how best to avoid the build up of stress in the first place, and also how to better deal with your anger.  With reflection and more mindful awareness of what happens to you before, during or after you get caught in the grip of anger, allows you to begin to transform your anger from being destructive to being a constructive force in your life.

Signs of Toxic Family Relationships

When you have toxic relationships with people in your family, it can leave you feeling physically, emotionally, or psychologically threatened. Toxic family members are often at the root of poor relationships, so it isn’t surprising that they might cause you to dislike or hate them.

Learning to recognize the signs of toxic relationships may help to better understand your reasons for not liking your family. Toxic people tend to leave you feeling:

• Disrespected: You feel that family members do not respect your needs.
• Exploited: Toxic family members often have high expectations yet do not return the favor.
• Unsupported: These relationships leave you feeling like the people who are closest to you don’t know the real you and aren’t willing to have your back when you need them.
• Misunderstood: Toxic people make little effort to understand you as an individual.
• Negative: These people often bring out your worst qualities and leave you feeling negative about others or the world in general.
• Blamed: When things don’t go as planned, toxic family members may heap the blame on you and refuse to take responsibility for their own actions.

Pay attention to how these behaviors make you feel and when they happen most often. Learning to recognize them can help you look for ways to cope.

How to Cope

How can you cope with these feelings? It can be particularly challenging to deal with the situation when you live with or have close contact with family members that you dislike.

Whether you still live with your family or if you have limited contact, finding ways to protect your space and mental well-being is essential.

Acknowledge Your Feelings

Work on accepting how you feel without judging yourself for the emotions you are experiencing. You cannot choose your family. Don’t blame yourself for not feeling close to people that you do not like. Instead, work on practicing self-acceptance and then determine what you can do to either manage these feelings or improve the relationships that are making you unhappy.

Finding ways to accept your feelings in a non-judgemental way can be helpful. Accepting your emotions means allowing yourself to feel things without trying to stifle or hide the emotion, even when it is difficult or painful. By accepting emotions, you’re able to find healthier ways of coping with them and lessen the anxiety, stress, fear, and sadness that often accompanies such feelings.⁵

Consider strategies such as self-acceptance, emotional validation, mindfulness, and meditation. Therapy can also be very useful for exploring your feelings.

Decide How to Proceed

Not every relationship is salvageable or even worth preserving. There are times when a family member’s treatment can be directly harmful, such as in cases where abuse is involved or where a family member is hateful toward you or other loved ones due to sexual orientation, race, or religion. In these cases, it is often essential to temporarily or permanently cut ties with that individual.

If you are still living with your family, this step often requires planning and practical considerations. Finances, housing, moving, and other factors are all things you will need to plan for if you want to create a physical separation and gain greater privacy and independence.

Mend Relationships

Healing unhealthy relationships with family members is also an option. This is a step you may take if the relationship is important to you and you feel that trust, communication, and positive feelings can be reestablished. 

This is a step that requires the participation of all of the people who are involved. Don’t allow yourself to feel pressured to bury your feelings or reconcile with people if you are not ready. 

According to research by Stand Alone, a UK organisation that supports adults who are estranged from their families, having time to process painful emotions is essential. Rather than pressuring people who may be estranged, it is perhaps best to let them have the time and space to heal before attempting a reconciliation.

If you are interested in feeling better about your relationships with your family members, consider asking them to try family therapy. By working with a therapist, you may be able to improve communication and gain insight that may help you feel better about your relationship with them.

Establish Boundaries

Having a clear boundary with family members who are causing you stress or discontent can help you better exist as an individual within your family unit. 

Setting boundaries with family can be difficult, however, because it is from our families where we typically learn these limits. It can be hard to recognize an unhealthy boundary if that is all that you have ever known.

Love Is Respect, a national resource that focuses on preventing unhealthy relationships and reducing intimate partner violence explains that paying attention to how you feel in different situations can help you learn more about your boundaries.

If you want to maintain a relationship with family members, set limits on these interactions when possible. For example, you might choose to spend time with them once or twice a month. If certain topics are creating conflicts with your family, make it clear that those subjects are off-limits during your interactions.

Establishing these boundaries can help you feel more empowered and in control of your relationship with your family.

Maintain Your Privacy

Tactics such as detaching yourself from the situation or intentionally keeping details about your life private may help. If family members pry into your life or use things they learn against you, look for ways to change the subject when certain topics come up. When necessary, be direct and simply state that you’d prefer not to talk about the topic.

Make Peace With Your Choice

Every situation is different, but in some cases, you might decide to end your relationship with family members. This is a highly personal decision and is often best made if you have had some time and distance to get some perspective on your experiences. 

Research suggests that family estrangement is not uncommon. In one study, 43.5% of participants reported being estranged from at least one member of their extended family. Nearly 17% were estranged from a member of their immediate family.

Talking to a friend may be helpful, but you might also consider discussing your feelings with a mental health professional. A therapist can help you evaluate the factors that have led you to this step and then offer advice about how to best proceed.

Research suggests that reconciling after an estrangement can be particularly difficult, particularly for adult children estranged from their parents. Between 50% and 60% of adult children estranged from a parent suggested that they could never have a functional relationship in the future.

While cutting ties can be stressful, research suggests that there can be positive effects as well. One study found that 80% of people who had ended a relationship with a family felt that it had a positive impact on their life, including greater feelings of strength and independence.